The Love Lab | Type A Bride

In our premarital counseling classes and even in business school, we were introduced to a very interesting study called the Love Lab. Through the study, the researchers were able to predict up to a 90% accuracy as to whether a couple would get divorced. Below is a summary of the findings:

Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
By John M. Gottman, Ph. D., and Nan Silver

The First Sign: Harsh Startup
You can predict up to a 96% accuracy as to whether a marital discussion will resolve a conflict after the first three minutes of the discussion. A harsh startup is when a discussion starts with criticism and/or sarcasm.

The Second Sign: The Four Horsemen
There are four types of negative interactions during a discussion:

• Horseman 1: Criticism – A complaint will focus on a specific behavior but a criticism will include blame and general character assassination.

• Horseman 2: Contempt – Shown in sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, hostile humor, etc.

• Horseman 3: Defensiveness – This is really a way of blaming your partner.

• Horseman 4: Stonewalling – This usually arrives later in marriage. This happens after the first three horsemen become overwhelming enough where stonewalling becomes an out.

The Third Sign: Flooding
After a spouse’s negativity becomes so overwhelming and sudden, the other becomes shell-shocked, developing stonewalling.

The Fourth Sign: Body Language
Physical reactions occur during tense discussions: heart speeds up, hormonal changes, blood pressure mounts, sweating, etc., making it almost impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.

The Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts
Couples make an effort for repair attempts to decrease tension during a touchy discussion.
The presence of the four horsemen alone predicts divorce with only an 82% accuracy. But when you add the failure of repair attempts, the accuracy rate reaches into the 90s. But, note, 84% of newlyweds who struggled highly with the four horsemen but could repair effectively had stable, happy marriages 6 years later.

The Sixth Sign: Bad Memories
Couples tend to rewrite their history with their spouse when they have developed a deeply negative view of their spouse. History gets rewritten for the worse.

When the End is Near
There are four final stages that signal the death knell of a relationship:

(1) You see your marital problems as severe.

(2) Talking things over seems useless.

(3) You start leading parallel lives.

(4) Loneliness sets in.

When this occurs, one or both partners may have an affair. This is usually a symptom of a dying marriage, not the cause. The end can be predicted much earlier to the affair.

But It’s Not Too Late!!
Despite all these findings, the Love Lab doctors share that even marriages that hit rock bottom can still be revived! It’s not too late. They found that the secret for making a marriage work is not in researching what destroys it but in what really makes it work. The conclusion of the study:

“The key to reviving or divorce-proofing a relationship is not in how you handle disagreements but in how you are with each other when you’re not fighting…Strengthen the friendship is the heart of any marriage.”


Composedly Yours,
Drexelle
The Type A Bride